| pointless. |
[Sep. 25th, 2008|05:32 pm] |
I'm content with what's going on these days. It's amazing how things blindside you, for better or for worse. I've got a great schedule, a great apartment, and it's all working out.
I needed this. And I got it.
Good things happen to those who wait. |
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| I'm trying.... |
[Jul. 16th, 2008|12:20 am] |
I really am.
I snapped out of a rut i was in a while ago while my class was going on, and now I'm back in it. I'm constantly unmotivated, I'm always eating, I stay up too late, I sleep in too late, I'm at a loss for energy.
I'm a fucking wreck. I start the day feeling okay and then I find something that ruins it. I've constantly been going to bed feeling like hell even after hanging out with my friends for hours.
I don't know what I want anymore besides to be happy. I don't know what it would take for me to get there. I just let myself keep digging that hole.
I need to stop making myself think that I've still got feelings for people in my past and I need to find a way to stop finding things out after the fact.
I just want so much in my life. I don't know how to be happy with where I'm at and what I've got. I just keep wanting more and more and more. I keep waiting for something to come along and make me happy, only I want it to stay. i don't want what I think will make me happy. I want to find God and I want to be a better man. Somehow.
I feel like shit. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 10th, 2008|12:03 am] |
I keep thinking that maybe next semester will allow me to get shit in gear and maybe restore somethings.
Wishful thinking. |
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| Bend your arms to look like wings.. |
[Jul. 9th, 2008|02:02 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Wilco- A Shot In the Arm | ] |
I wish I were a helium balloon that was let go by some child. I wish I could float above everything and not worry about what my brain is going to think about next. A modern day Daedelus, I suppose. I mean, think about what a balloon sees when it's hundreds of feet off the ground, looking over whatever town it so happens to be above. People and places are more insignificant that high. You're floating towards whatever horizon the wind takes you to. I guess I'm writing this because I let one go earlier today and unconsciously uttering "Godspeed" as it crept towards the heavens. Oh, whatever.
"I have always liked the idea of Superman because I have always liked the idea that there is one person in the world who doesn't do bad things. And that there is one person in the world who is able to fly. I myself often have dreams in which I am flying, but it's not flying the way Superman does. I simply put my arms behind my shoulders and float and move. Needless to say, it is my favourite dream." |
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| Jesus Christ that's a pretty face... |
[Jun. 17th, 2008|12:09 am] |
I want to have faith in something. All of these books that I've been reading lately and all of the movies I've seen have characters that are so passionate about something. Most specifically, God.
I feel like I'd be in a better position if I had faith of sorts. Yea, i've got my cross, but my red bandanna doesn't make me a blood, now, does it? I guess I just want something to believe in. I can't put all of my faith in myself and other people. There's got to be some line drawn somewhere. |
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| Crazy me. |
[Jun. 1st, 2008|04:41 pm] |
I think I want you back.
I know you want no part. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 10th, 2008|10:11 pm] |
I've this nervous habit where I pull at my left eyebrow.
Not good. |
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| Home could be anywhere when I'm holding you... |
[May. 7th, 2008|10:55 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Kevin Devine- Ballgame | ] |
There's no motivation left anymore. I've past the point where it's a struggle. I just can't wait to get the fuck out of here. School is quite literally making me sick.
I'm all over the place. How does one react to a message on sunday that's in drunkspeak saying, "i'm at bamboozle and finch is playing letters to you and it reminded me of you" It's nice that I'm on their mind, but at the same time, why should I constantly have them on my mind if it's just going to haunt me. Especially when I ask if finch was good the day after and I get "yea, they were okay." Don't say that shit to me. Don't get my head spinning in the wrong direction. Please. It's the last thing I need right now.
cigarettes and open air, hand in hand
It's kinda funny how I got a phone call today and immediately after I answer, I'm greeted with "Are you drunk?" I guess that's what it's come down to, now. I'm a drunk when I'm stone sober in shoprite with my best friend. I shouldn't answer my phone anymore. Oh well. I'm a fucking wreck. Whee.
Wait for me to move out west...
I need to get the hell out of here. I'm getting eaten alive. And i do believe that I'm going to seek some professional help this summer. I think I owe it to myself. The way it's been lately is that I'm "selfish enough to want to get better, but backwards enough not to take any steps to get there." Thanks KD. You wrote what I feel. Only it's not about alcoholism.
Can we understand life and live it at the same time? |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 29th, 2008|01:04 am] |
I wasn't aware that we were still twelve.
Also:
Don't EVER tell me I'm an annoying drunk. You've a lot to learn about yourself. |
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| For just one second I felt home... |
[Apr. 26th, 2008|05:04 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | The Early November- I Want To Hear You Sad | ] |
All I've been thinking about lately is how I'm so dependent on being with someone to be comfortable. All I've wanted is just someone that I know I can talk to and spend time with and hug and hold.
I don't know why it is, but I just want to even hold hands with or hug someone. I watched Juno last night and it made me tear up, which is faily pathetic, considering the last movie that did was The Notebook. That at least had a good plot and was a brilliantly made movie. Juno, however, was mediocre at best, but the subject matter I guess did it for me. Shit.
What's even worse is the fact that I don't think I'm over anyone I've dated within the last two years. Dwell dwell dwell dwell dwellllll :/ |
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| keep the evening calm... |
[Apr. 11th, 2008|12:23 am] |
| [ | music |
| | daphne loves derby- midnight highway | ] |
It kinda sucks to admit you're wrong, but at the same time, it's remarkably redeeming. I apologized to someone today after I had a revelation of sorts. I was just perpetuating something that wasn't worth a damn.
It's a new beginning of sorts.
I skipped two classes today. I spent all of it outside. I played frisbee for about five hours altogether. I played some whiffle ball, and I also broke out my skateboard for the first time in a long while. God, did it feel good to get back on it. I like being active. It's a lot better than what I've been doing for the past few months, which was, you know, nothing. It didn't even bother me that I've got two massive papers to do. Seasonal Effective Disorder's a bitch. I think we've all got it at varying degrees. The spring makes everyone happier and it's beautiful.
"I think there is a Paris inside us all." |
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| Bonus points for being lame. |
[Apr. 2nd, 2008|01:29 am] |
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You know you've reached a new low when all of your friends are outside and you're drinking alone in the room. |
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| Whine whine whine...nothing new. |
[Apr. 1st, 2008|08:38 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Give Up the Ghost- We Killed It | ] |
What's the feeling that comes when you walk around every day with a knot in your throat? Every little thing just makes you sad. I can't even explain. I'm sitting here at my desk and I'm just dwelling on the things that I've gotten my hopes up for, only to watch it all slip away. It always seems to work that way. It always seems that I'm on this fucking journal when i've got nothing better to say and I just want to complain. I know I've got it easy compared to a lot of people, but I still feel like I'm alone. That shouldn't be, but I can't fix it. I haven't been able to.
I've come a long way from the kid that I used to be, but parts of the old me are still sticking around. Hopeless romantic, which, in turn, makes me a fucking idiot. God is dead? No. Love is dead. Sure, it exists within families, but no where else. I'm convinced. It's just a game I don't want to play because nobody wants to play a game they always lose. I mean, what's the point? You get yourself involved. You make it seem like there's something there and then, BAM! it's gone just like that. There are no words for the loss you experience. American Nightmare on repeat leads into realizing the need for me to Give Up the Ghost. Some Girls.
I just need out of here
I need a head that's clear
I know my voice isn't the best
But at least it's sincere. |
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| And we fall, and we fall, and we fall to our knees |
[Mar. 31st, 2008|12:08 am] |
| [ | music |
| | I Can Make A Mess...- I Know the Sum and Substance of My Evil | ] |
Stresssssssssss.
I cannot even begin to explain. Due Thursday: Outline for a six-page, researched essay on literary criticism and Shelley's Frankenstein. Study for a test that counts for a quarter of my grade. I need to teach myself three chapters for that one. If I do well, I can bomb the last one and still walk out with an A.
I'm so fed up with everything currently. I just want to find the easy way out. It's all I've ever known, and I've done the easy thing so well in the past. That's why people think highly of me. They see me succeed in doing things, but what they don't see is how many corners I cut at whatever cost to get there.
I think I'm at a point in my life where I need to find some sort of structured spirituality in my life. I've got faith, but it's all in myself, and that just won't do. I was raised Catholic, but I don't agree with it all. I need something to believe in. I can't keep pretending that I believe in myself.
I need to find a way to express my true feelings. I can't keep sugar coating them to make it seem like I'm all right because, truthfully, I really don't think I am. This is the only place where I can say shit like this and not have the entire world see it, and I like it that way. I find myself thinking more about what comes next. The next big thing. Ultimately, the existential crisis question of "What happens when I'm dead?" It's weird to think about, so I try not to. I want to focus on the day to day things. I don't really care about tomorrow until it's here. I just want to find my way through, but it never comes as easily as I hope it would. Whatever.
The past few weeks have been odd. I haven't lost contact with a friend, per se, but contact has dwindled and now I'm fairly certain there's some odd sort of tension there. I receive very curt replies to any communiques, especially if I can't hang out or do something. Sigh. Que sera sera.
I need to get a grip. There's not much to grab, however. |
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| bodacious ta-tas |
[Mar. 18th, 2008|10:31 pm] |
Mike gave me a packet of poems to read. I really like em. It makes me want to write more.
I'm going to close like I used to close all of my xanga entries. Back in the days before my parents found it and though I was a depressed kid because I wrote really bad poetry and posted it. It was funny. All those entries were just dripping with angst. What did I know then?
~3ternal
...END IS FOREVER
Wow...I was so cool back then. |
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| You were a few things short of a good time... |
[Mar. 16th, 2008|11:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  stressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Van Atta High- Just Lie | ] |
Well, I can honestly say that I feel a little bit better. My head still hurts, though. I've felt sick to my stomach for the last day. I went to sleep feeling sick to my stomach and I woke up feeling the same. It's really a terrible feeling. I barely wanted to come back to school today. I didn't even eat a thing at my Grandma's today. That's unheard of.
Hangups. Yea, I'm familiar with those. Far too. I'm stuck on something that I realize is slipping further and further into the friend zone. I realize this and I know I should move forward, but I can't. Most of me doesn't want to. I want to be able to go. I want to be able to realize that this is causing most of my problems. I'm intelligent enough to know it is, but too dumb to accept it.
I fall in love too easily. It's not even love. I fall in like. I'm so bad. I hang out with someone for a few days and it just grows out of nowhere and, most of the time, nothing.
I miss Madison. I miss going to their shows so much. It was back in the VFW days (remember those?). Back before you needed to buy advance tickets to shows that are held in shitty "venues" brimming with kids stuffed into them like sardines. The stage is even worse when it's backlined with four bands' equipment. There's no room anymore for showmanship and actually having a good time. You've got to worry about nailing somebody in the face if you want to mosh. You've got to be worried about shifting to your right and brushing up against 5 people, all of whom give you a dirty look as if you want to molest them.
I'm listening to Van Atta High right now and enjoying it quite a bit. I never really gave them much time, but they're quite addictive. Steve's ability to vary musical styles with his singing is remarkable. Not only that, Jasko makes me happy because when he does backing vocals, I can't help but think of Decoy. Yea...wayyyyy long ago. Probably one of the best shows I went to was their reunion. Ah, Christ.
I wish I could write well. I want to write songs that have such raw emotion to them and that aren't atypical, production shit songs about girls that "broke my heart". I want to break from that and write meaningful lyrics that actually pertain to my life. Mike writes a world better than I do. I wish i could write like Kris Roe, Geoff Rickley, Wes Eisold, and Chris Conley. Those four guys combined would make for one of the most awesome writing styles ever. Oh well. I'll never be that good. I can try and fail. At least I've got that.
I'm going to go to bed and read more of Shampoo Planet for a second time.
Until next time... |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 16th, 2008|02:07 am] |
| [ | music |
| | Silence- Clicking keyboard keys. | ] |
How do you hang out with someone close to you for a few days in a row for the better part of the day and have that come to a close?
What do you do when the girl you once knew suddenly means everything to you? |
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| She only comes to me in my dreams, so sleep becomes routine. |
[Mar. 15th, 2008|12:37 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Thursday- Standing On the Edge of Summer | ] |
So, it's been about two years. After reading my last entry, I realize that I was a fool. That song I wrote was quite possibly on of the most cliche and lame things I've written. I've grown since then. I play in a band now called The Moon Red-Handed. You should listen to us.
Lately I've been living my life through song lyrics and nice bouts of feeling alone when I'm with my friends. Great, right? I've spent countless hours thinking about how much easier it could be if I actually went and saw a psychiatrist about this. It's not normal. There again, have I ever been? I can't even write poetry anymore. I've got zero sense of how to express myself. The words I choose are not my own. They're usually by any one of a number of recording artists. Sure, while that's an acceptable action, it does get out of hand. It has gotten out of mine.
I sit and I wait for a fucking phone call and a shot in the dark, but it never comes. I share my sob stories with a friend of mine in my car with hopes that by exchanging them, we both might feel better for ourselves. It doesn't really work at all. I end up feeling worse. I guess I just need to know that there's someone else out there who feels like I do. I think that sounds kind of selfish. I guess that makes me selfish.
I'm so bad with this whole concept of alone-ness. I constantly need attention and someone else in my life I feel and that's really no way to live life. In fact, it's a terrible idea. I'm not even comfortable being by myself anymore. I don't like being alone. I fear it, quite honestly. I'm so petrified of not finding a suitable mate. I'm scared of not having a family. Not having my own white house with my wraparound porch and my rocking chairs. I'm just so stuck on this idea of not being able to think people through. This causes me to settle and then realize a while later that I made the wrong decision.
Now I find myself with something that I've thought long and hard about and taken my time with and I can't get it at all. Just something isn't clicking, I guess. The one thing that I've wanted for a long time, that came out of nowhere, it just won't work. I feel like I've just cliff-dived into the deep end only to realize about halfway down that the pool froze over. Ouch.
I like this better than facebook notes. Here I at least know that I'm almost guaranteed nobody will read this and feel they have to pity me. It's more of a private outlet for me to bitch and moan about how much I think my life isn't going the way I want it to.
You'll find me here more often. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 2nd, 2006|03:11 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cheerful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Strike Anywhere- Amplify | ] |
Well, all things said, I actually went to school at the normal hour today. Let me tell you, that was hard. I haven't gone to school this whole week earlier than 10am. Tuesday I didn't go at all and that was a treat. So I woke up to the sweet sounds of The Early November blasting in my ear at 6:15 in the still-dark ante-meridiem(AM).
I wrote a song in homeroom as well. I'm not going to type it out and post it on here. I still need a title for it. I will say, however, it's probably my best work yet. This fact was confirmed by the two or three people who have read my stuff before and know what I'm about. I'm very excited about this. I'm not sure where my songwriting abilities will take me, but I just like writing, so I shall keep doing so.
This is a semi-conceited entry. I'll stop before it gets worse.
Good day all! |
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| Hm.. |
[Jan. 31st, 2006|03:47 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Dj Tiesto- Traffic | ] |
Well, I've got one. I don't know how long I'll be using this thing. I'm quite the myspace lunatic these days. Feel free to comment my sorry ass. |
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